Poetry and Storytelling by Kai
WORDS BY KAI. This site is the home of creative expression fueled by passion and inspired by the sparks of a my starlight muse. On these pages you will find my creative voice in lines of poetry, thoughtful essays and commentary, creative storytelling, and in an array of beautiful words to inspire the logophile in us all.
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Learn new words with the Word of the Day and the topic Word Lists. Build your new vocabulary with new words, old words, obscure words and untranslatable words from faraway lands.
THOUGHTS AND COMMENTARY
Commentaries and essays on a variety of topics including parenting, the capacity for love, emotions, mindfulness and social issues.
Directory Informational Articles
Gaslighting in Your Relationship
WHAT IS IT?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to put doubt in the mind of their target making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and remove the validity of the victim's belief. Instances may include denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or the staging of bizarre events with the intention of disorienting the victim.
WHERE DID THE TERM COME FROM?
The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamiltonplay Gaslight and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations, in which the gas-fueled lights in a character's home are dimmed when he turns the attic lights brighter while he searches the attic at night. He convinces his wife that she is imagining the change.
CHARACTERISTICS
There are two characteristics of gaslighting: The abuser wants full control of feelings, thoughts, or actions of the victim; and the abuser discreetly emotionally abuses the victim in hostile, abusive, or coercive ways.
SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING
THE RESULT
SOME COMMON EXPRESSIONS FROM GASLIGHTERS
COMMON METHODS
Psychological abuse is a range of aversive behaviors that are intended to harm an individual through coercion, control, verbal abuse, monitoring, isolation, threatening, jealousy, humiliation, manipulation, treating one as an inferior, creating a hostile environment, wounding a person regarding their sexuality and/or fidelity, withholding from a partner emotionally and/or physically.
Sociopaths and narcissists frequently use gaslighting actions to abuse and undermine their victims. Sociopaths will break laws and exploit others, but typically are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Those who have been victimizedby sociopaths may doubt their own perceptions.
Some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners by flatly denying that they have been violent.
An abuser's ultimate goal is to make their victim second-guess their every choice and question their sanity, making them more dependent on the abuser.
A tactic that degrades a target's self-esteemis for the abuser to ignore, attend to, then ignore the victim again. The victim lowers their personal bar for what defines affection and then believes themselves to be less worthy of it.
The abuser may hide things from the victim and cover up what they have done. The abuser may convince the victim to doubt their own beliefs about the situation and turn the blame on themselves.
The abuser feels the need to change something about the victim like the way the victim dresses or acts. They want the victim to mold into their fantasy. If the victim does not comply, the abuser may convince the victim that are not good enough.
The abuser may want to fully control and have power over the victim. In doing so, the abuser will try to isolate them from friends and family so only they can influence the victim's thoughts and actions. The abuser gets pleasure from knowing the victim is being fully controlled by them.
IN RELATIONSHIPS
Gaslighting is often experienced in romantic relationships. The psychological manipulation may include making the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser may invalidate the victim's experiences using dismissive language like “You’re crazy,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” “Don’t be paranoid,” “I was just joking!” Or “I'm worried I think you're not well."
THE GASLIGHTERS
People aren’t born gaslighters they learn it in the environment. They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a powerful tool.
The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative. He lacks self-awareness. For many, gaslighting could be a bad habit picked up from the relationships they grew up around. If a gaslighter’s partner, friend, or parent is willing to do the hard work of changing the way they argue or interact with them, change is possible. But it can be difficult to achieve this if they continue to buffer you from your own reality.
They may be narcissists. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:
RECOVERY
Victims learn (or accept if they already knew and were caused to forget) that they don’t actually need anyone else to validate their reality. This builds self-reliance and confidence in defining their own reality. They can also learn that is possible to manage those uncomfortable feelings of standing in their own certainty.
Recognizing the problem is the first step. Name what is going on between you and the abuser.
Sort out truth from distortion. Write down conversations. Where is the conversation veering off from reality Then after you look at the dialogue, write down how you felt. Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience.
Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. If you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again and can’t convince them to acknowledge your point of view, you might be getting gaslighted.
Engage in a mental exercise to encourage a mindset shift: Visualize yourself without the relationship. Importantly, view the vision in a positive light, even if it causes you to feel anxiety. Think down the road when you will have your own reality, social support, and integrity.
Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay. Track your feelings.
Give yourself the okay to give something up. Part of what makes it painful and challenging to leave a gaslight relationship is that the gaslighter may be your spouse.
Talk to your close friends. Ask them if you seem like yourself and do a reality check on your spouse’s behavior. Ask them to be brutally honest.
Focus on feelings instead of right and wrong. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be right or questioning who’s right. But determining who is right and wrong is less important than how you feel. If a conversation leaves you feeling bad or second-guessing yourself, then consider that closely.
Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion, even if you are right. You may never get them to agree that you are not too sensitive or too controlling. You need to let go of trying, The only person whose opinion you can control is your own.
Have compassion for yourself. This is really hard. But when you are not feeling confident and strong, it’s even harder to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, kindness, and love. It will be a healing influence and help you move forward in your decision making.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to put doubt in the mind of their target making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and remove the validity of the victim's belief. Instances may include denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or the staging of bizarre events with the intention of disorienting the victim.
WHERE DID THE TERM COME FROM?
The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamiltonplay Gaslight and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations, in which the gas-fueled lights in a character's home are dimmed when he turns the attic lights brighter while he searches the attic at night. He convinces his wife that she is imagining the change.
CHARACTERISTICS
There are two characteristics of gaslighting: The abuser wants full control of feelings, thoughts, or actions of the victim; and the abuser discreetly emotionally abuses the victim in hostile, abusive, or coercive ways.
SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING
- Withholding information from the victim
- Countering information to fit the abuser's perspective
- Discounting information
- Verbal abuse, usually in the form of jokes;
- Blocking and diverting the victim's attention from outside sources
- Trivializingthe victim's worth
- Undermining the victim by gradually weakening them and their thought process.
- Telling the victim outrageous lies
- Denying things that the victim has proof of
- Mixing lies with positive reinforcement in order to confuse
- They convince their victim that they are the only one who can be trusted and therefore isolates them
- They try to get other people against them
- They choreograph events and situations that confuse and scare the victim
- Convincing the victim that something happened or didn’t happen
- Starting arguments and then convincing the victim they started it
THE RESULT
- The victim starts to question themselves and their judgments
- They start to feel like they are the problem, to blame, and are too sensitive or misguided
- They fear speaking up do they internalize their thoughts and fears
- Believe they are crazy or something is wrong in their head
- Second guess themselves and their recollection of events
- Find themselves taking the blame and apologizing over and over again
- Feel their self esteem crashing down and have thoughts of not being good enough, not worthy or too weak
- Start to think they deserve to be alone
- They can’t understand why they aren’t happier.
- They frequently make excuses for their partner’s behavior.
- They know something is wrong but they just don’t know what.
- They start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
- They have trouble making simple decisions
SOME COMMON EXPRESSIONS FROM GASLIGHTERS
- You’re so sensitive!
- You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
- Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
- You are just paranoid.
- You just love trying to throw me off track.
- I was just joking!
- You are making that up.
- It’s no big deal.
- You’re imagining things.
- You’re overreacting.
- You are always so dramatic.
- Don’t get so worked up.
- That never happened.
- You know you don’t remember things clearly.
- There’s no pattern. Or: You are seeing a pattern that is not there.
- You’re hysterical.
- There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
- Nobody believes you, why should I?
COMMON METHODS
Psychological abuse is a range of aversive behaviors that are intended to harm an individual through coercion, control, verbal abuse, monitoring, isolation, threatening, jealousy, humiliation, manipulation, treating one as an inferior, creating a hostile environment, wounding a person regarding their sexuality and/or fidelity, withholding from a partner emotionally and/or physically.
Sociopaths and narcissists frequently use gaslighting actions to abuse and undermine their victims. Sociopaths will break laws and exploit others, but typically are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Those who have been victimizedby sociopaths may doubt their own perceptions.
Some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners by flatly denying that they have been violent.
An abuser's ultimate goal is to make their victim second-guess their every choice and question their sanity, making them more dependent on the abuser.
A tactic that degrades a target's self-esteemis for the abuser to ignore, attend to, then ignore the victim again. The victim lowers their personal bar for what defines affection and then believes themselves to be less worthy of it.
The abuser may hide things from the victim and cover up what they have done. The abuser may convince the victim to doubt their own beliefs about the situation and turn the blame on themselves.
The abuser feels the need to change something about the victim like the way the victim dresses or acts. They want the victim to mold into their fantasy. If the victim does not comply, the abuser may convince the victim that are not good enough.
The abuser may want to fully control and have power over the victim. In doing so, the abuser will try to isolate them from friends and family so only they can influence the victim's thoughts and actions. The abuser gets pleasure from knowing the victim is being fully controlled by them.
IN RELATIONSHIPS
Gaslighting is often experienced in romantic relationships. The psychological manipulation may include making the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser may invalidate the victim's experiences using dismissive language like “You’re crazy,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” “Don’t be paranoid,” “I was just joking!” Or “I'm worried I think you're not well."
THE GASLIGHTERS
People aren’t born gaslighters they learn it in the environment. They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a powerful tool.
The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative. He lacks self-awareness. For many, gaslighting could be a bad habit picked up from the relationships they grew up around. If a gaslighter’s partner, friend, or parent is willing to do the hard work of changing the way they argue or interact with them, change is possible. But it can be difficult to achieve this if they continue to buffer you from your own reality.
They may be narcissists. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:
- project an inflated sense of self-importance
- exaggerate their achievements
- respond to criticism with anger
- use others for personal gain
- expect special consideration or special treatment
- be highly critical of others
- become envious and jealous easily
RECOVERY
Victims learn (or accept if they already knew and were caused to forget) that they don’t actually need anyone else to validate their reality. This builds self-reliance and confidence in defining their own reality. They can also learn that is possible to manage those uncomfortable feelings of standing in their own certainty.
Recognizing the problem is the first step. Name what is going on between you and the abuser.
Sort out truth from distortion. Write down conversations. Where is the conversation veering off from reality Then after you look at the dialogue, write down how you felt. Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience.
Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. If you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again and can’t convince them to acknowledge your point of view, you might be getting gaslighted.
Engage in a mental exercise to encourage a mindset shift: Visualize yourself without the relationship. Importantly, view the vision in a positive light, even if it causes you to feel anxiety. Think down the road when you will have your own reality, social support, and integrity.
Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay. Track your feelings.
Give yourself the okay to give something up. Part of what makes it painful and challenging to leave a gaslight relationship is that the gaslighter may be your spouse.
Talk to your close friends. Ask them if you seem like yourself and do a reality check on your spouse’s behavior. Ask them to be brutally honest.
Focus on feelings instead of right and wrong. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be right or questioning who’s right. But determining who is right and wrong is less important than how you feel. If a conversation leaves you feeling bad or second-guessing yourself, then consider that closely.
Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion, even if you are right. You may never get them to agree that you are not too sensitive or too controlling. You need to let go of trying, The only person whose opinion you can control is your own.
Have compassion for yourself. This is really hard. But when you are not feeling confident and strong, it’s even harder to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, kindness, and love. It will be a healing influence and help you move forward in your decision making.
STARLIGHT POETRY BY KAI
View Me on Twitter @kairosoflife
See Creativity Chaos - a Creativity Blog by Kai
About | Reprints & Copyrights | Home
© 2019-2020 Copyright Starlight Poetry
VIEW FULL SITE DIRECTORY
View Me on Twitter @kairosoflife
See Creativity Chaos - a Creativity Blog by Kai
About | Reprints & Copyrights | Home
© 2019-2020 Copyright Starlight Poetry
VIEW FULL SITE DIRECTORY